Sometimes reading funny positive quotes is better than spending your whole day feeling down and thinking about your failures in life. Thinking happy thoughts over sad ones is more beneficial not only to your emotional and mental health, but for your physical body as well. Here are plenty of funny positive quotes we compiled for you to help get you through the bad days.
1. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
2. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
3. The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived. – Oscar Wilde
4. I cannot afford to waste my time making money. – Louis Agassiz
5. The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well. – Alfred Adler
6. There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating, people who know absolutely everything and people who know absolutely nothing. – Oscar Wilde
7. What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. – Yiddish Proverb
8. Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. – George Bernard Shaw
9. If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. – Thomas Szasz
10. The trouble with the rat-race is that, even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin
11. Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein
12. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. – Albert Shweitzer
13. There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do. – Amy Poehler
14. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
15. If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Jim Rohn
16. When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened. – Winston Churchill
17. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
18. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
19. The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill. – W. Clement Stone
20. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers
21. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. – Robert Frost
22. Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese. – Billie Burke
23. Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him? – Alec Guiness
24. A lifetime of happiness. No man alive could bear it, it would be hell on earth. – George Bernard Shaw
25. Aspire to inspire before you expire. – Eugene Bell Jr.
26. If at first you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy. – H. Duane Black
27. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. – Jack London
28. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
29. To be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. – Gustave Flaubert
30. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. – Mark Twain
31. I’ve met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you – you’re 20 minutes. – Jan Sterling
32. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous. – Robert Benchley
33. The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. – Madeleine L’Engle
34. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler
35. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain
36. I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin
37. Want is a growing giant whom the coat of Have was never large enough to cover. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
38. The difference between genius and stupidity is, genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
39. When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it. – Bernard Bailey
40. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne
41. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. – Terry Pratchett
42. If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. – Donald Trump
43. There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. – Roger Staubach
44. Good things come to those who wait, greater things come to those who get off and do anything to make it happen.
45. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx
46. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller
47. Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is. – Jeffrey Gitomer
48. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams
49. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
50. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler
51. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston S. Churchill
52. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas Edison
53. When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain
54. I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched. – Edgar Allan Poe
55. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. – Ellen Degeneres
56. Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice. – Bill Watterson
57. The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bull**** story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it. – Jordan Belfort
58. Life is like a sewer what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer
59. Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try. – Dr. Seuss
60. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? – Albert Einstein
61. Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly. – Neil Gaiman
62. Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make? – Terry Johnson
63. I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. – Oscar Wilde
64. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar
65. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant
66. Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain
67. Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bi***. – Lili St. Crow
68. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams
69. My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. – Winston S. Churchill
70. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. – Dr. Seuss
71. Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one. – Terry Pratchett
72. If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. – Marie Osmond
73. If you’re reading this, congratulations, you’re alive. If that’s not something to smile about, then I don’t know what is. – Chad Sugg
74. The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be. – Douglas Adams
75. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. – Jim Henson
76. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
77. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. – Charles J. Sykes
78. You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. – Saul Bellow
79. Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention. – Christopher Paolini
80. Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. – Paul Terry
81. Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you. – Terry Pratchett
82. If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. – E.B. White
83. Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling co*cky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know. – Eoin Colfer
84. And still, after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “you owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole Sky. – Hafez
85. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne
86. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. – Anthony G. Oettinger
87. Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby, awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. – Lemony Snicket
88. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. – Groucho Marx
89. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin
90. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields
91. Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. – Douglas Adams
92. I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies. – Lemony Snicket
93. From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. – Groucho Marx
94. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results. – Albert Einstein
95. The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families. – Jay McInerney
96. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. – Douglas Adams
97. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. – Dorothy Parker
98. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
99. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
100. I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome
101. Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people. – Tamora Pierce
102. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski
103. I figured something out. The future is unpredictable. – John Green
104. If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means ‘flunk’. – Lemony Snicket
105. Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. – Woody Allen
106. Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself. – Christina Grimmie
107. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
108. Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. – Wilson Mizner
109. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
110. I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. – Karan Patel
111. Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends. – Eminem
112. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
113. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
114. It’s so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it’s this monster that consumes so many millennial lives. – Cazzie David
115. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
116. Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. – James A. Garfield
117. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
118. Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing. – Elle King
119. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams
120. I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being me. – Ellen DeGeneres
121. Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. – Joan Rivers
122. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn
123. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields
124. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. – William Feather
125. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P. Jones
126. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers
127. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends. – Walt Whitman
128. There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. – Jeff Garlin
129. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
130. Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke. – John Krasinski
131. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein
132. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison, if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. – Milton Berle
133. God hadn’t made me handsome, but he’d given me something, I always felt, funny bones. – Jerry Lewis
134. Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. HeinleinWe are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. – Sheena Easton
136. We are all born mad. Some remain so. – Samuel Beckett
137. Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking
138. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West
139. If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. – Maya Angelou
140. That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. – Joe Rogan
141. The distinguishing mark of man is the hand, the instrument with which he does all his mischief. – George Orwell
142. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. – Walt Disney
143. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. – Joel Osteen
144. If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won’t come up with a hand full of mud either. – Leo Burnett
145. I truly believe we are all funny at least some of the time. Some of us are termed naturally funny and others have to work at it. We all have moments in life that make us laugh. – David Nihill
146. A laugh is a smile that bursts. – Mary H. Waldrip
147. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen
148. If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself. – Irish Proverbs
149. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. – Irish Saying
150. If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. – Bendan Behan
151. The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts. – Fulton J. Sheen
152. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping. – Bo Derek
153. You can’t shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond. – Eric Thomas
154. I ask people if an elephant has ever bitten them. Most of the time people say no. But everyone has been bitten by a mosquito. It’s the little things that get us. – David DeNotaris
155. Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade. Charles Dickens
156. You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving. – Amy Carmichael
157. Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed. – Gandhi
158. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be. – Maya Angelou
159. I should be a postage stamp. That’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. – Muhammad Ali
160. Quality is more than important than quantity. One home run is much better than two doubles. – Steve Jobs
161. A sister smiles when one tells one’s stories, for she knows where the decoration has been added. – Chris Montaigne
162. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. – Rose MacAulay
163. Thanksgiving, when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White
164. A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. – Kin Hubbard
165. The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come. – Nicky Gumbel
166. The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does. – Proverb
167. Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you. – Michelle Stewart
168. Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you. – Michelle Stewart
169. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV. – Thomas Sowell
170. New Year’s resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it. – Charlie Brooker
